beckyd.

http://atthebeginningagain.blogspot.ca/

i just dont get why you think it is okay, to do the same things you did with her, to me? i just dont think i can even process that through my head at this very second. and no this isnt he wine talking.! and how can you say you didnt cuddle with her, you didnt this, you didnt that.. when it is so obvious you did. if you didnt care about her one bit then WHY was she so hurt in the end ?! obviously you made her feel some sort of special way.. probably the same way you make me feel…

it makes me sick to my stomach, literally sick to even think for a second that i would put myself in the same category with her, but im not different then her.. because you NEVER do anything wrong, even when i see what you say to that one over skype.. you still dont think it bothered me as much as it did…but it killed me inside. all my trust right then went straight out the window. 

now im just sitting here thinking how different it would be if i had chosen a different road, i for sure wouldnt be sitting here second guessing if i truly am just a REBOUND GIRL or if you really do mean every little thing you say to me.. thats all this relationship is, a big old guessing game.. and it hurts. and it bothers me. 

and just like everyone else.. you dont see it…

i miss you, and i miss feeling you there, i dont think this pain will ever get better. 
i wanted more then nothing to be able to hold you one day, but i know one day we will meet and i know you’re watching me from heaven now. im not sure what you looked like, if you had my smile and his nose, or his eyes and my hair, my god i hope you had my hair i could’ve only handled so much curl in one area. i wish i knew your eye color, if you were a boy or girl, but i know one day i will find this all out when i reunite with you in heaven. i hate that you werent given a fair chance, to become all you couldve been, and i hate sitting here feeling like its my fault.. 
i hate that we both became what we promised you we wouldnt.. enemies.. im sorry that if you look down on us from wherever you are right now you watch how we act, how we hate, how we push each other away. i guess thats the only reason im thankful you’re not here, i could never imagine putting you through that. 
but i wouldnt give to have you here, to hold you, to feel you, to see your ten little fingers, and ten little toes.. i know you’ll never see this, you’ll never read this but somewhere in my heart i know you hear me, and hear my cries that happen all too often now, i know when i do have children that little pieces of you will be in them and that they will have an angel watching over them their whole life. 

i miss you more then ever little wing. 

xoxo